Elijah’s Idiot-Free Halloween Guide For 2009

This awesome image courtesy of sictransitgloria on Flickr.comThis Halloween will actually be the first time in probably 5 years that I’ve actually dressed up and went “out”.  I’m still not sure why I’ve decided to make an effort this year, but I think it has something to do with getting older and trying to feel younger… is it sad that I’m 28 and already attempting to recapture my youth?

All things aside, Hallows Eve has changed significantly since I was a child.  Back in the 80’s it was all about garbage bags full of candy; the more we could get the better.  My sister Jasmine and I would have two costumes prepared some years… making a double pass around our 5 storey apartment complex and across the street throughout our grandmothers hood.  I’m not even kidding, one year we had so much candy that it had to  be kept in our closet… and for almost 6 months that closet had a half foot floor of caramelized sugar and wax-based wrappers.

It truly is a beautiful thing when executed correctly…

In the spirit of all things ghastly and ghoulish, I figured I would share some insight towards making this years Halloween one to remember.  Whether you’re taking the kids out for the first time or have tossed your inhibitions and decided to go  make a fool of yourself among your middle-aged peers, I’m positive you’ll find my tips resourceful.

If you’re a male between the ages of 25 and 50 and haven’t participated in Halloween festivities for at least 10 years, please strongly consider the following:

  • You are not hallucinating.  Hooker nurses and slutty school girls are considered to be costumes by the current generation.  Though much of the luscious eye candy may seem to be old enough – sporting their fish net stockings and glittery cleavage – chances are they are 16 and drink a lot of milk.  Don’t touch, don’t tip, don’t talk.
  • Be sure your costume fits.  Whether you’re taking out the toddlers or attending a pumpkin-themed office party, make an effort to find a costume that is “comfortable”.  What I’m actually trying to say is don’t be dressing up as your favorite Bee Gee with some skin tight grape smugglers.  Though a healthy bulge was once a sign of fertility and prowess, it will now get you 10-15 years without parole if you accidentally “bump” into someone.
  • Go easy on the candy.  There was a time when we could eat pounds of sugary goodness and do back-flips off bed posts.  These days are gone.  If you’re going to be drinking any sort of amber colored liquor named after a Mr. Daniels, hold back on the single serving candy consumption.  Rainbow vomit is for sick unicorns, not grown men.

If you’re a female between the ages of 25 and 50 and haven’t participated in Halloween festivities for at least 10 years, please strongly consider the following:

  • Halloween is not fantasy time. Just because you’re “barely” hiding behind some wig and push up bra, this does not give you a full out invitation to become a role playing woman-of-the-pole.  You are not Lady Gaga.  Be classy, be smart and more importantly, don’t be a dirty hooker.  YouTube is a cell phone away and real strippers will run laps around you.  Keep your fantasies in the bedroom.
  • Try to avoid fetish parties.  Don’t get me wrong, if this is your thing and you’ve had prior experience – this tip is not meant for you.  But as stated above, if you haven’t done the whole “Halloween” thing for quite some time, attending a fetish party will scar you.  Not only will Thanksgiving dinner with the family will never be the same, but you’ll probably end up in a corner somewhere sucking a penis-shaped lollipop – veins included.
  • Listen to your kids.  This applies to many different areas.  If your daughter says Mrs. Grimsby’s candy sucks, it probably does.  If your son tells you that you’re embarrassing him, you probably are.  If little John Jr. says his cape is too tight and he can’t breathe, loosen it.  If 15 year old Sophia says that Mitchel’s parents will be there to supervise the party, they probably will (not).

October 31st has been an idiot-fueled ocassion for centuries.  I hope my observations will prove useful towards a successful and memorable Halloween for you and yours.

I do have one last tip for all of the committed couples of the world:  douche-bag doctor and naughty nurse is probably the worst couple costume in the history of this ancient celtic celebration.  Be creative, because if you’re not I will find pictures and I will put my internet marketing skills to use.

And you’ll probably end up getting featured on the Ellen Degeneres Show – in a bad way.

4 thoughts on “Elijah’s Idiot-Free Halloween Guide For 2009”

  1. @WV – Man, that’s so true. Our friend Dave dressed up as a sheep: a white coverall jumpsuit with a front zip and hoodie attached, and he hand glued cotton over the entire suit. Complete with ears and a little tail. Not to mention his girl Mel sexily displayed Bo Peep. Dirty little sheep.
    .-= Elijah´s last blog ..Elijah’s Idiot-Free Halloween Guide For 2009 =-.

  2. And…. Halloween is/was my BIRTHDAY haha 44! Bangin! Had a great weekend! Never have been to a costume party though in all my born days… isn’t that sad? Definitely need to plan that next year and now that I have your tips, I’ll be ready! ha
    .-= Jake´s last blog ..Have You Made Your Own Beer? =-.

  3. @Jake – Now, now.. you know these rules don’t apply to friends! What would your 45th b-day/halloween party be without getting plowed, hitting on some 16 year old in a french maids costume and getting stuffed in the chin by your significant other? Wouldn’t be much of a party at all!

    Happy belated brother! 44 looks great on you.
    .-= Elijah´s last blog ..Elijah’s Idiot-Free Halloween Guide For 2009 =-.

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